TEN JACK TEN

1.  Crazed Hen Rink

2.  Zen Dick Ran Her

3.  Czar End Her Kin

4.  Darken Rich Zen

5.  Ranch Drink Zee

Thank you, Internet Anagram Server.

It’s easier to assume that every driver in an Escalade is a flaming asshole douchebag cocksucker rather than try to figure out whether they are one of the 2-3% that aren’t.

I should probably stop using “cocksucker” as an insult, because I would feel guilty if I cost some guy a blowjob because of my negativity.

As in golf, when Tiger Woods starts nailing women he’s not married to, he does it like a champ.

No celebrity’s endorsement has ever persuaded me to buy something I wasn’t going to buy anyway.  No, not even Dennis Hopper.

I’m just not attracted to black women.  No, not even Halle Berry.

I’m just not interested in sparkly, low-testosterone vampires.

I remain interested in breasts.  All of them. 

Judd Apatow has joined the fraternity of directors who cannot bear to edit their genius and therefore make movies that are 30 minutes too long.

30 Rock is by far the best show on TV right now.

People keep claiming that Obama is really smart, but I’m still waiting for proof. 

Most people regard “the economy” as some sort of pagan god that may either be appeased or angered by their elected politicians.

As Paris Hilton and Eddie Murphy have demonstrated, a decent music producer can squeeze some sort of reasonably catchy song out of just about anyone.

Chefs assume that everyone loves shrimp and mushrooms.  Chefs assume wrong.

I’m not going to waste any time fearing the end of the world in 2012 just because some ancient Mayan bureaucrat figured he’d calcuated the calendar far enough ahead and took the rest of the day off.

If he were denied access to first person pronouns, Obama would be unable to give a speech.

If, at some point in your famous life, you recorded an embarassingly lame song, TV shows will use it as the background of your famous-person obituary reel.  Yes, I’m talking to you Don Johnson and John Travolta.

It is not possible for me to take seriously a man who has chosen to be referred to in his professional capacity as “Jagger.” 

If I had to choose whether to live the rest of my life among Jews or Muslims, the Jews are a no-brainer.

Female dancers have the nicest legs in the world.

If a new electronic item is a little defective, treat it like it’s completely defective and return it.  It’s not going to get any better over time.

Enjoy Halloween!

New for 2009 — the zombie Obama hallloween mask.

Warning:  do not wear zombie Obama mask if you are seeking to host the next zombie Olympics.

I do not give a damn about John, Kate, their children, their TV show, or their divorce, and never will.

Someone who addresses you as “my friend” is actually less likely than others to be your friend.

After years of painstaking research, My Lovely Wife has determined that the ideal storage place for her most painful-to-step-upon-shoes is on the floor of our closet directly in front of my shirts.

The financial system went to hell right about the time the people who work in it started referring to their transactions as “products” rather than “money.”

Whatever is meant at the beginning, using the phrase “double down” in public discourse is now a sign of unoriginal thinking.

In order of preference:  Bacon, Canadian Bacon, Bacon Bits, Kevin Bacon.

Talent does not grant virtue, nor is the reverse true.

Basically, squirrels are rats with better marketing.

Bicyclists expect to be treated equally when it comes to using traffic lanes, and unequally when it comes to respecting stop signs.

Mariah Carey is trying to distract us from looking at her face.

Charlie Rangel is, for lack of a better word, a crook.  Who will never be prosecuted.

The press enjoys describing a murder as “execution style” so much that they don’t bother checking whether the shooting in question actually compares to a historical method of execution.  Did the shooters really blindfold the victim and form a firing line?  If not it was probably just plain old, boring murder.

Nobody ever asks “progressives” exactly what it is they want to progress towards.  Hint:  it involves telling you what to do all the time.

“Sprituality” is the word people use when they want to describe a religious, yet God-free, quality.

The only thing that Michael Moore truly believes is that Michael Moore should have lots of money and attention.

Megan Fox would be considerably more attractive without the tattoos that resemble scabs when veiwed from a distance.

My childhood was way too normal to qualify me to be a comedian.

People who sing, play muscial instruments, or pretend to be other people for a living have a need to show that they are more significant than the talent that created their fame and success by sharing their opinions regarding important societal issues.

The last people who I want opinions from regarding important societal issues are people who sing, play muscial instruments, or pretend to be other people for a living.

Sadly, Kanye West probably is the voice of his narcissistic, dim-witted, substance-abusing generation.

A baby shirt with nipple tassels on it.

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An Obama chia-head.

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A little plastic dog that humps your USB port.

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Brett Favre on their fantasy football roster.

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An artist who specializes in painting pictures of women whose panties have spontaneously fallen around their ankles.

Those wacky, copyright-and-trademark-disregarding Asians.