TEN JACK TEN

I have a quadra-annual tradition of ignoring the Summer Olympics, mostly because of NBC’s long history of piss-poor coverage.  In years past, they’ve wasted huge chunks of time on human-interest stories that add nothing to the drama of the games.  It’s as if they felt that the actual sporting events were secondary to whatever sob story their interns managed to dig up. 

This time around it’s a bit better.  NBC is doing a better job of showing complete events rather than scattered bits that they don’t bother providing context or connection for. Mostly, it’s that NBC has got out of the way and let the athletes write the story rather than trying to put everything in a wrapper of their own making.  They still waste time with pre-recorded bits — a particularly unfunny video from an oddly mannish female reporter (whose name I can’t be bothered to learn) last night reminded me of that.  But at least they aren’t smothering the events themselves, letting the story of the American swim team unfold.

Also, I can’t figure out if Bob Costas is wearing a rug or just has a bad dye job.  I’m leaning towards rug.

WARNING:  Spoilers Within. 

(1)  Insultingly Preposterous Stunts 

It’s one thing to have close escapes and improbable occurrences in the context of an action serial.  But shutting yourself in a refrigerator (lead lined or not) to ride out a nuclear explosion is just bullshit.  Even if the fridge had the structural integrity to survive the on-screen blasting and bouncing, the contents would have been goo and a fedora.  Any time I say to myself, “this is bullshit,” I’m not being entertained, I’m being jarred out of the movie.  This occurred constantly throughout the film, with elaborate and unexplained vine-swinging and monkey-commanding techniques or riding boats off of huge waterfalls without any real consequenses.  Would it have been that hard to make the stunts more believable?

(2)  Insultingly Stupid Plot

There are evil agents after you.  They know who you are.  They just got done chasing you around the campus where you work.  What do you do?  If you’re Indiana Jones, you go home and calmly consult some reference materials.  Then there’s uniformed and armed members of the Soviet military running around unsupervised on foreign soil.  In the Western Hemisphere.  Unnoticed.  Meanwhile, the nuclear explosion had absolutely no relevance to the rest of the film, they apparently just thought it would be cool and show that we were beyond WWII.  It felt like there wasn’t a script as much as there were a bunch of 3×5″ cards on a bulletin board with cool ideas written on them that they had to try to connect somehow.

(3)  Insultingly Inconsistent Gimmicks

The Crystal Skull is intensely magnetic, drawing anything metal towards it.  Except when it’s not.  Sometimes this happens in the same scene.  I can almost visualize the places on the shooting script where they marked through random references to metal being attracted to the skull, with a handwritten “fuck it, the effects guys say they’re busy enough as it is.”  The Skull also has spooky mental powers that will permanently alter the mind of whoever stares at it long enough, except that it really doesn’t.

(4)  Insultingly Weak Acting

Someone needs to take Shia LeBouef aside and tell him that saying things louder does not actually convey “emotion.”  But the pits was Karen Allen, who was either liquored up or already spending her check in her mind throughout the film.  Or both.  The only woman who was a decent foil for Indiana Jones throughout the films was wasted on bickering and minor participation in the elaborate set pieces.  And then there’s Harrison Ford, who showed he was no longer a credible action star in Firewall a few years ago.  Instead of acknowledging the age of the character, we pretend he’s still got it.  Congratulations on failing to match the emotional depth of Die Hard 4.

(5)  Insulting Ending

Good lord, Speilberg — aliens?  Really?  Nobody could talk you out of that?  After Close Encounters, E.T., and War of the Worlds, you really thought you had something else to say about aliens?  And the ending is:  the aliens say “hey thanks for the skull” and they leave.  Actually, I’m kidding, they don’t say thanks.  They just vaporize the person they had to thank for the skull return (despite that they cared about humans so much they watched over the ancient Mayans and taught them all about agriculture and architecture), and they head home.  They don’t take the treasure that they meticulously gathered over the centuries.  Was there a point?  A lesson?  An allegory?  Nope, not unless you think “UFOs are cool” constitutes a point.

I took the kids to see it this morning, and as I feared, the 2:15 running time was not justified.  It would have been a much better movie at 1:45, but that’s what happens when you get a true blockbuster under your belt, the BS detector gets shut off because you have PROVED YOUR GENIUS.

Not to say there wasn’t some genius on display.  The saturated colors and special effects were amazing.  The actors-before-bluescreen look (a la 300) gives the production the cartoony, otherworldly look the Wachowskis were clearly looking for.  When it was just things moving on the screen, it worked.

But then there was all that talking. Everything was explained at least half as much longer than it needed to be, and the snappy action editing ground to a halt.

Having taken a lot of children to a lot of movies in the last ten years, I can get a pretty good feel for just how entertained the young ones are feeling.  It’s a technique I call “listening.”  This is why kids movies usually run no longer than 90 minutes, you can’t keep up a fast pace for much longer than that without running out of plot.  That’s why I heard “Mommy can we go home now?” more times than I can count at Ratatouille and not once in Meet the Robinsons or Toy Story 2.  The kids were in full throat every time one of the film’s endless expositions went past the minute mark.  They explained feelings, they explained racing, they explained their feelings about racing.

But worst of all, they explained business deals.  The Wachowskis did not learn the lesson of The Phantom Menace:  bureaucracy is not entertaining.  (That’s why people refuse to pay attention to it and it gets away with stuff.)  Look out Speed Racer!  It’s a corporate merger!  But all was forgiven once the racing started up again.

But since it’s on, I can’t help but notice how bad George Michael’s voice sounds now.

Geez, they drag this thing out.

And . . .  it’s over.  My Lovely Wife is pretty mad because Fox ran long with it, and the DVR cut off right as they were about to announce the winner.  I’m not sure whether that was on purpose or not, but the end product was a results show that was long on George Michael and very short on results.  Not my idea of a good way to spend an hour and a half, but that’s why the laptop’s open.

So, we look up the winner on the net.  I thought the other guy would win, I guess teenage girls don’t have the influence I thought they did.  But hey, they’re both tools in their own special way. 

I took the boys to see the first big movie of the summer, and it was surprisingly decent. I won’t bother with a plot recitation, but the movie was well cast. Robert Downey, Jr. was excellent in the lead, Jeff Bridges was cool, and Gwyneth Paltrow managed not to be annoying.

One of my few gripes would be the talk-to-action ratio was a bit too far on the talky side, so there wasn’t nearly enough ass-kicking.  This is common for a superhero movie with an origin story, but young kids got restless. Otherwise, the special effects were solid and the plot actually made sense.

If you’re thinking about taking kids, it’s PG-13 for:

- Violent deaths of characters you’ve gotten to know (some at the beginning, a bit more before the beginning is over).
- Imminent threat of torture with a hot piece of metal.
- Intended (but not completed) murder of a parent in front of his children.
- Non-nude (but with lots of skin) and brief depiction of a one-night-stand and the morning after.

The 10 y/o and the 8 y/o handled it fine, but my 5 y/o didn’t like the violent scenes described above, and I thought we could have had a bit less skin in the one-nighter, but I’m a serious prude when it comes to cinematic sex and kids.

Via the NYT:  NBC gives up on the idea of jamming all of its new shows into a two-month window called the “new fall season.”  Since there are so many other entertainment options that don’t lock themselves into this rigid format, it was bound to happen.  The idea of a “new season” every year is a holdover from the days when the big networks were the only option for viewers, and those days are long gone.

My personal experience of the last few years was to pick the one or two that seemed the most interesting, and figure that any of the others would come out on DVD if they were any good.  As a result, I’ve got season one of “Heroes” on my shelf that I haven’t watched yet because I picked “The Nine” or something equally weak to try first.  Better to space the shows out and not force the audience to commit before the shows have aired. 

NBC is also trying to integrate the shows more with advertisers, an idea that’s come full circle from the early days of the medium.  They brag about using a Ford in the Knight Rider remake (and by the way, NBC, thanks for putting a lesbian one-night stand and a threesome sleeping it off in the first 15 minutes of the show, parents LOVE explaining that crap). They also point out that advertisers can let them know when their ideas stink:

The lineup also may receive early input from advertisers who are given an earlier look at it. That may help both parties, Mr. Graboff said. He cited as a cautionary tale the network’s experience with “Kidnapped,” a show from a season ago.

“That’s a perfect example,” Mr. Graboff said. “The pilot cost $7 million to produce. We put it on sale to advertisers in May, and they ran for the hills. If we had been able to sit down and have a two-way conversation about them and we told they we had a show about a 13-year-old boy who is kidnapped for the entire season, they would have told us, ‘Good for you, but we’re not putting our clients in it.’ ”

Some ideas are suitable for TV shows, some are suitable for movies.  Kidnappings are pretty much a movie idea, it’s too much to ask for the audience to have a character in jepoardy for that long.  Never mind the unmarketability of abusive behavior towards children.

HD-DVD is dead, killed by the movie studios and Best Buy and Blockbuster and Netflix and Wal-Mart.  The last one is kind of surprising, since they were selling the heck out of HD-DVD players last Christmas.  At least most of the folks who bought stand-alone players will be able to use them as overpriced DVD players in the future, unlike those who ended up with Betamax videotape players and nothing to play on them.  And unlike those who bought the HD-DVD add-on player for their Xbox 360s.  Those are just useless now, except for playing the handful of releases already out.

Not that there wasn’t enough screwing to go around.  Early Blu-ray players can’t support the additional features being added into the specification by Sony, and can’t be upgraded.  They’ll still play the movies, but you might not be able to see the picture-in-picture of Micheal Bay offering commentary on why he thought one of the Transformers should be urinating oil in this scene.  Big loss there.

The idea of a format war for high definition movies was ridiculous anyway, neither format offered the leap in quality and accessibility that DVD offered over VHS.  What you got with the HD formats was greater picture detail and enhanced color fidelity.  There was also the prospect of uncompressed surround-sound, but the amount of people with the amp and speaker hardware to take advantage of that is only a fraction of the number of folks with HD sets.  That barely made up for what you lost in portability.  I know I’m a gadget freak, but a quick mental inventory gives me 12 things in my house that can play DVDs (including game consoles and PCs), along with 2 parked in the driveway, versus one that can play Blu-ray disks.  DVDs aren’t going anywhere; Blu-ray is for enthusiasts and perfectionists.

Oddly enough, one of the best current Blu-ray player options is a PS3.  For $400 at the low end, it’s competitive in price with stand-alone players and it can be easily updated via WiFi or ethernet.  If you use HDMI, it will also upscale DVDs.  It’s not perfect, HD cables and the bluetooth media remote are extra.  And because the remote uses bluetooth, you can’t use your IR universal remote with it unless you buy a third-party dongle.

- My usual response to any sports event involving them is “Fuck New York.”  But I’ve got to admit the Giants completely earned this one. They were the hardest hitting SOBs on the field, and they did it for four weeks in a row.  They shut down, in a row, three of the most potent offenses the NFL had to offer: the Cowboys, the Packers, and finally the Patriots.  And every game, they pressured the QB, disrupted screens, drew holds, and smothered the primary receiver.  The Giants defense won the playoffs, even though Manning is getting the credit. 

- I’m not convinced that Manning was the MVP, but by definition they do have to give it to a single person. Which means the QB gets the credit unless somebody else really steps up.

- Why did the Patriots game plan fall apart so completely?  And why the heck was Brady treating Welker like the team’s star receiver?  Even if Moss was covered, at least give him a chance every once in a while to make a play.  Could it have been that the Giants were letting Welker (who rarely advanced the ball after the catch) get open so Brady would toss it to him on the check off?  If that was deliberate, amazing.

- I don’t blame Belichick for stalking off with one second left on the clock.  The man just took as big a professional blow as someone can take, and it was all the worse for the high expectations created by going into the game undefeated.  He was obviously miserable in the mandatory post-game interview.

- Hey, those Iron Man and Wanted trailers looked pretty good.  The ads were weaker than usual this year, with a bit more creepy than I expect, what with the heart leaping out of the woman’s body, the badger in the car, the ugly girl with the cashews, the jumper-cable nipple-clips, the singing firefly buying it on-camera, and the mere presence of James Carville.  Loved the giant pigeons, though.

The last great weekend of football is over. Only three games are left. I don’t even think picks are necessary, but I think it’s Green Bay and the Patriots in the big game in Arizona. Personally, I’m rooting for the old guy.

- Green Bay over Seattle.

Correct. I love watching other people play in the show while I’m indoors and warm.

- Patriots over Jaguars.

- Colts over Chargers.

- Giants over Cowboys.

- The NFL must be getting really aggressive with the “Super Bowl” trademark. I’ve heard three ads today that involved a contest to win tickets, but they would only refer to it as the “big game” in Glendale, Arizona. I guess you need their blessing to even utter the phrase if you’re trying to make a buck from it. I think I’m safe.

- Pick #1, Skins over Seahawks.

WRONG. The Skins played 5 minutes of amazing football and 55 minutes of mediocre to bad football. The missed field goal marked the end of the amazingness, but it was just a symptom of the greater problem: they were out of emotional gas. I thought it would carry over another week.

- Pick #2, Jags over Steelers.

Right, but just barely. The best game of the weekend, full of comebacks, turnovers, lead changes, sacks, and last-minute do-or-die drives. Garrard is clearly the best quarterback I’ve been paying absolutely no attention to so far.

- Pick #3, Giants over Bucs.

Correct. A 1-3 December haunted the Bucs right out of the playoffs. The Giants are a competitive team, and honestly, I think they’re going to beat the Cowboys, who had a similarly bad December.

- Pick #4, Chargers over Titans.

Yup, for a not too bad 75%. The Chargers didn’t bother scoring until the second half, and I still never thought the Titans would win. They were overachieving just to be there. Now that I think about it, only having 2 wild card slots is probably a good thing.

- Since I didn’t embarrass myself, next week’s picks:

Green Bay over Seattle, who have to play against a hot team at their cold home.

Patriots over Jaguars, who won’t get the chance to rescue their game like last week.

Colts over Chargers, who couldn’t score in the first half against the Titans.

Giants over Cowboys, who have way too much end-of-season baggage.

Whatever you’ve been doing to prepare your teams for a bowl game for the last 4 years, STOP IT.  Toss it out the window.  Start from scratch. 

If your players are running around free (and I notice at least one got arrested in Arizona), then sequester them.  If you’re letting them practice less, practice them more.  Ditch Nike and give Reebok a chance.  If you’re carb-loading them, put them on Atkins.  If you’re making them abstain, hire hookers.  If they’re drinking Coke, make them drink Pepsi.

If you can’t figure it out, ask for advice from successful coaches and teams.  If they won’t tell you, spy on them.  If spying doesn’t work, bribe them.  If you can’t bribe them, at least give the officials better bribes than the other team does.

You’re the highest paid state employee in Oklahoma, dammit, and you keep flunking your finals.

- Thanks to the NCAA, we get a lot of meaningless bowl games and one meaningful game with arbitrarily selected teams. Wow, it’s like putting the preseason off until the end of the regular season.

- I wish I’d posted my opinion that Hawaii’s undefeated season was nice, but that any mid-level SEC team could knock them down and take their lunch money before it got proved right.

- Heisman trophies and winning bowl games do not appear to go together very often.

- As I type this, OU is trying very hard to let WV get the first score, but they won’t take it. Doesn’t look good for the Sooners. … and they got the field goal on the second try.

- The Patriots did it. An undefeated season in the only pro sport where one is realistically possible. Now everybody can shut up about the Dolphins.

- The last week of the season always has an odd flavor to it. There’s a mix of pointless games between eliminated teams, “win and you’re in” games, games that will decide the fate of a third team, and technically meaningless games that show what kind of attitude a team is taking into the playoffs.

- The Cowboys are taking an awful lot of stink into the bye week. Tampa Bay is taking a comparable amount of stink directly into the wild card round. The Colts and Seahawks take their offensive ball and go home for the second half. The Jags and Steelers declare their own bye week. The Redskins and the Titans clawed their way to a seat at the big table. Meanwhile, Green Bay, San Diego, and the Patriots are triumphant.

- The most consistently mediocre team in the league, the Arizona Cardinals, end up 8-8. Not good enough for the playoffs (even in the NFC), not bad enough to get anywhere in the draft. How do they keep inspiring apathy?

- I’ve been fighting the urge all season, but here it goes — picks.

Skins over the Seahawks
Giants over the Bucs
Jags over the Steelers
Chargers over the Titans

- I remember that during the last two weeks of the season, there would be two NFL games on Saturday. Now, we have one game on the NFL network. Not an improvement. I’m becoming more and more convinced they want to assume all of the broadcasting and sell a “package” to the broadcasters. The fact that they think Bryant Gumbel is a competent commentator doesn’t give me a lot of hope should that plan ever come to pass.

- Hiring Bill Parcells isn’t going to save the Dolphins. When he was at Dallas, he wasted his time chasing old players from the Jets and Patriots, ignored the coaching staff he inherited rather than hired personally, and benched Romo until the last possible moment. This, despite the fact that his golden boy Bledsoe was guaranteed to make at least one boneheaded mistake each game.

- Too bad the the Rams couldn’t wrap up their 2007 season on Thursday night. Because they’re really done playing football.

- Romo’s thumb, TO’s ankle, whatever excuse you need for why you’re not going to win the Super Bowl.

- The Patriots have not stopped trying to win, even though they’ve locked up their playoff slot. This is a good thing. I’ve seen too many teams slack off at the end of the season and never get the rhythm back.

- Damn, the Vikings are inconsistent.

- If the Dallas sports media gets its way, Tony Romo will not be allowed to bring girlfriends to Cowboys games anymore.

- I guess the Ravens aren’t done losing to the Patriots yet.

- Something about having teams with losing records in “playoff contention” bugs me.

- Detroit is still Detroit. Detroit was kidding itself if it thought otherwise.

- This season will come down to the four dominant quarterbacks in the league: Brady, P. Manning, Favre, and Romo.

- I thought the NFL Network wised up and fired Gumbel, but he was just sick. Damn.